Some good things never end...

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Anti-antipasto
An array of half-eaten delights –
eggplant, bocconcini globes,
olive (pits with some flesh
remaining) and semi-dined tomato.

Consumé Consommé
Half a bowl of chicken chowder
with a swirl of sour hand cream.
(High water mark of pre-eaten
soup included).

Main
Ribbed Ribs
Pork very-spareribs gnawed
to the bone with a
sad vegetation drizzle.

Veg-eat-arian
Pre-loved vegetable array,
char-grilled post-adoration and
served with a cheap wine jus
(which can also be used as an engine
degreaser)

Dessert
Quelle Surprise
Pre-nibbled fruits and
mushy ice-cream,
artfully arranged to hide
orthodontic marks.

Sticky Fang Pudding
Our take on the old favourite,
sticky date pudding, with previous
diner’s dentures adhered under
a toffee sauce.

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
“Where your food is really ours.”

Patrons are advised that teeth marks are guaranteed in each and every dish. Patrons are further advised that the leaving of half-consumed leavings (of other’s food) is considered impolite in most circles and such activity should be curtailed. We thank patrons for their patience with our long absence and hereby declare a resumption of the mangled misuses of language and literature seen heretofore.

Cleaning out fridges

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Day-Late-Full Dipper
A delightful dipping plate of selected tidbits
from the finest clearings of our over-packed fridges
(only nominally short of autonomous locomotion),
served with our own oven-crisped dipstick wedges.

Bleak Salad
A decorously overstated take on the
traditional Greek salad, late picked vegetables with
bile-curdled Fetta cheese, de-moulded with the
kitchen boy’s one remaining incisor.

Main
Bleach’n’Beech
An interesting variance on Surf’n’Turf, minus both;
scoured clean wooden plates with excoriations of bleach streaks
and a garnish of brown parsley.

Overfed and Undermade
An enormous serving of everything left in the freezer,
barely defrosted and piled high
in preparation for the cleaning of said freezer.

Dessert
TardiMousse
A fabulous confection of sautéed cleaning schedules,
lovingly ignored to form a light custard and frosted
with a soupçon of self-recrimination.

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Pty. Ltd.
“Where your food is really ours.”

Patrons are advised that “late picked” does indeed mean “ladled out from soggy sludge at bottom of crisper” and “de-moulded” does in fact mean “gnawed on”. We apologise at this time for any inconvenience caused. “Inconvenience” includes the urge to leave our vicinity in search of a large bowl for unwanted ejections of a heaving nature. Unfortunately, patrons are further advised that the advertised Bemused Production Absurdities production of “Once More a Tut-Tutter” will no longer take place as the periodic cleaning of our kitchens has left all divisions and subsidiary companies of the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company short of all goods until further notice, including large bowls. The one exception to this caveat is the Diversion Service, who are an inventive bunch and rarely discombobulated by any disastrous occurrence except calluses of the left nostril.

Memo to staff

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
"Where your food is really ours"

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Catering, Wait and Administrative Staff, The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company

CC: Ms. Dennis Wallingfeather, Managing Director, Bemused Production Absurdities

FROM: Ms. Petronella F. Wilson, Personnel and Catering Manager DFTCC

Just a reminder to all staff that eggs are for cooking purposes only. “Cooking purposes” do not include tossing said ova at passers-by or placing them in others’ shoes.

We recommend the use of “Crème Cockroachee” (minus the decorative ramekins and thorns, but retaining the cockroach legs) in food fight situations. We simply remind all staff that the remnants of food fights must be cleaned up at the end of hostilities. This does include the removal of all cockroach legs from the area in question. Failure to complete maintenance of the affected areas will result in the dipping of the recalcitrant staff member in the leavings of “Odiferous Goulash” at the end of each shift.

We further remind all staff of non-Anglo-Saxon lineage that the phrase “put an egg in your shoe and beat it” is an example of colloquialism and so not to be taken literally.

If you would like someone to leave your immediate vicinity, then say so directly. The phrases “Please leave”, “Go away”, “Move out of the room”, “Make like a tree and leave” and the above example may be tendered. Those showing remarkable degrees of creativity not involving assault on other staff members’ persons or belongings may be considered for promotion into the Menu Creation arm. Any phrases such as “I hate your guts”, “You should be sacked”, “You really are a waste of space” are not examples of creativity or humour and thus should be curtailed.

This censure of expression includes any statement using four letter words, particularly the names of genitalia or the act of using said genitalia. Verbal violence of this type will not be considered in the spirit of the company’s charter and we will be forced to act accordingly. There are several positions still open in the Food Inspector’s arm of the DFTCC, mostly as clogged hair follicles, thus intractable staff members may look forward to an eternity of cleaning out grease traps.

Memory Aids

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Tire(con)sommé
A revisit to that fatigued aged legume
of the thorax – pumpkin soup,
with a swirl of sour hand cream.

Main
Returning Rosemary’s Baby
Veal cutlets and lamb’s fry braised in
ground sepia photographs (circa 1842),
served with de-twigged rosemary
(recommended as a memory aid by
nine out of ten fridge kickers).

Mnemonic Malapropism
A musing of chilli seeds layered over a
lettuce mousse, drizzled with the finest pureed
collection of ridiculously spelled
and mangled misuses of literature culled from
our archives.

Dessert
Remorse Less Return
A revamped and redressed spectacle
of that favourite, “Crème Cockroachee”;
oven crisped crunch with a splatter of
raspberry coulis for that
just-squashed look.

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Pty. Ltd.
“Where your food is really ours”.

Patrons are advised that menus will continue to be created until food theft by the gluttonous and just plain mean is stamped out for all time. The staff of all divisions of the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company wish to thank all of our patrons for their support since our inception in 1437. Throughout our long and fabulously obscure history we have been fortunate to receive innumerable boons to our continued enthusiasm; although these boons have occasionally been in the form of rotting fruit, we nevertheless hope to continue our work with the same zeal as shown thus far. We are gloriously anticipating our first annual zoo visit, where we hope to elicit a cheer.

Whipped away - right before your eyes.

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Second Coming Soup
Finest quality vegetables,
bubbled in consommé double stock
removed from the bowl before your eyes and
replaced with second rate turnips
boiled in dish water.

Main
Filet of Soul
Ocean sole basted lovingly in a
light lemon sauce, delicately roasted
with a promise of fresh herbs,
paraded past your nose just long enough to bewitch
before your plate of unseasoned white rice is
placed in front of you.

Outré
Assuredly a signature dish,
freshly harvested organic vegetables from
our private reserve, roasted and sealed with
white wine and wild herbs, placed delicately out of reach.

Dessert
“Je regrette”
A platter of juxtaposition –
tenderly arrayed unsullied fresh fruits and
a light chocolate blancmange torte,
turning to ashes in your mouth as
your plate is whipped away after your first bite
and supplanted by a bruised (unpeeled)
apple, from last season.

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Pty. Ltd.
“Where your food is really ours”.

All items served in easily concealed containers should patrons wish to flee without paying or abscond with other patrons’ meals. Those wishing to do so may make use of our wonderful diversion service, who have added operettas to their list of diversionary tactics. The exception to the above is the coffee stocks prominently on display; our chef has an addiction to coffee in gold stick packs and thus approaching his current stock at a distance of less than three yards will result in unpleasantness. We at the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company do realise that this is something of an oddity and apologise for any inconvenience: but he does bring in the stick packs from home, and we like to tolerate oddities. We thank our patrons for their patience.

Grieving

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Fettucine Nostalgia
Bite-size photographs of the
near and dear lovingly arrayed on
a bed of three-colour vegetable fettucine

Main
Haemorrhage Lane
Laugh so hard you’ll fear for the
integrity of your blood vessels in
this collection of tales best told at a wake,
served with more than a modicum of alcohol

All-In-One
A garden salad containing all conceivable
vegetables and dressings in one bowl,
reminiscent of every single salad you’ve ever had
– and a few you haven’t.

Dessert
Griever’s Paradox
A bittersweet deep dark chocolate concoction,
distilling the saddest and sweetest
features in the one dish –
deep despair as it leaves your tongue
with wild joy as the next mouthful begins

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
“Where your food is really ours”

Patrons are advised that we at the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company have no advice to offer at this juncture. We wish patrons well at this time.

Instrument Failures - Heavy on the Carbs

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Crash Test Yummies
An antipasto selection of crashed probes,
punctured tubing, broken o-rings
and expired reagent crisps

Main
Hotline Pasta
A delightful beef ravioli
served in an irritation of
jalapeno sauce, called out with
chilli seeds and a serviceman

Hypertensions Risotto
A tantalising risotto, guaranteed to
raise the blood pressure with its drizzling
of non-working gadgets and questionable results

Taxi Driver Surprise
A vegetable plate delivered by cab
either thirty seconds before or
forty minutes after you order
provided that pressing the swipe card slot activates
the button next to it on the back door

Dessert
Queerlity Crème (“QC”)
Soon to become a signature dish,
a new take on crème caramel using
out-of-range or just plain dregs of
quality control material
wobbling over a caramel custard base

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
“Where your food is really ours”

Patrons are advised that due to unforeseen problems in our kitchens that meals may be delayed indefinitely. Our brand new cook top/washer/dryer/cash register combination oven has more than a few teething problems. The manual that came with it has been written in English, translated from Japanese by a small man in a car boot with very little lighting and whose linguistic skills consist of speaking Korean with a Finnish accent. We apologise for any undue delay in receiving meals, but further advise that the diversion service is still in operation; you may wish to steal the plate next to you. We thank you for your continuing support of the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company in this, our darkest hour.

Welcome to our new staff!

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Where your food is really ours.

Petronella F. Wilson
Personnel and Catering Manager
The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
The Cottage
15430 Stolen Moments Way
Refrigerator Door NSW 2167
15th August 2005

Mr Sherlock Aloysius Haughton
742 Middle Street
Nowhere NSW 2167

Dear Sir,

Welcome to the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company. Congratulations on obtaining your position with our dynamic and forward-thinking team.

This package has been mailed to you as part of your orientation and contains all you need to know about the company’s origins, goals, location and staffing. We will be pleased to meet you this coming Thursday at 9 a.m. at The Cottage, the address listed above.

In anticipation,

Petronella F. Wilson Personnel

History of the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company

In 1432, the HMS Muffy was launched from the shores of the Thames amid a hail of cheering and fist shaking on the part of one Lord Wallingfeather. The Muffy’s charter was “to explore brave new oceans and to remove captain Beryl Haughton from the sight of Lord Euphemia Wallingfeather, whom he has resoundingly beaten at tic-tac-toe, for fear that the good captain should be hung, drawn and quartered if he remains on these shores”.

Piffle C. Wilson, chief cook and sock airer, would while away the shipboard hours between brunch and lunch playing jacks with his captain, and was continually vexed by the constant theft of the ship’s provisions by the ship’s cat, Rex.

Disgraced by said feline on the ship’s return, Piffle (as he is affectionately known), was forced into early retirement from His Majesty’s Service at the tender age of twenty-seven. Early in 1434 he took up residence on the estates of Lord Wallingfeather, who welcomed any and all who had discomfited his arch nemesis Captain Haughton. The sting of Piffle’s disgrace never left him, and once his beard was a respectable but not feral length he made a virtue of his infamy.

It was a difficult time in history for the average peasant. Provisions set by for the winter, or indeed any time of the year, would often be sequestered by the landed gentry, because they could. Burning with the injustice of this virtual food theft, Piffle began waylaying the prosperous and relieving them of any foodstuffs on their person or in their baggage train. He would then pass it on to the poorer members of the community.

Naturally, he became notorious for his work and struck fear into the hearts of the gluttonous and just plain mean. He soon had a price on his head, but his talent for acting the simpleton meant that the authorities never connected the wily highwaymen with the bearded and disgraced ex-sock airer. Documents surviving from the one and only detention and questioning of Piffle give an account thus: “yon one is able to breathe and walk in a straight line simultaneously; he does not appear to possess any other apparatus for thought. We can therefore neither detain him further, nor execute him as the one popularly known as Robin Food.”

The pressure of having a price on his head (six shiny beads or equivalent in turnips) certainly made things difficult for the young Piffle. More so for the peasants to whom he was passing foodstuffs. Many were accosted by the local Sheriff and roughly relieved of their ill-gotten gains: most went home with a smarting backside from the flat of a carving knife (decrying the loss of their creations, many a chef joined the Sheriff’s cause).

To maintain the loyalty of his beneficiaries, Piffle soon invented ingenious methods for concealment of food. The most popular was the friar’s tuck, a cunningly wrought pocket hidden within the folds of voluminous habits that were the fashion at the time. In this way, the recipients of Piffle’s munificence were able to continue at liberty, masticating their way through strip searches where necessary.

Working largely on his own, Piffle did attract a number of supporters who flocked to his standard as his infamy increased. In the early 1440’s he formed the Tawdry Desperadoes, who tripled the plunder of the well fed, but alas the trio did not last. The group split in early 1447 citing “creative differences”.

Piffle continued until his death in 1492, and although he slowed considerably in his later years, his reputation was such that he was as eminently successful at food theft at eighty-five as he was when he was thirty-five. After his death the legend of Robin Food remained, although it became significantly distorted as the centuries passed.

In much the same way, the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company was born.

Corporate Mission

The mission of the DFTCC is threefold:
∞ to use ill-gotten foodstuffs to feed the hungry,
∞ to stamp out food theft by the gluttonous,
∞ to allow customers to express their more kleptomaniac visions.

Main Business

The main business of the DFTCC is to provide eating areas with imaginative menu choices culled from only the most select tidbits of our ill-gotten gains. As such, we employ the largest kitchen staff in the entire world and represent the forefront of technology and innovation in menu creation.

We also provide a diversion service in each eating area for those patrons wishing to abscond without paying or with other patrons’ food. Our diversion service is our finest achievement and possibly the most successful group within the DFTCC. As such, our catering arm would run at a loss in any scenario where we paid for our foodstuffs.

We have recently diversified into Theatre, and are pleased to welcome Bemused Production Absurdities into our fold. Bemused Production Absurdities and the DFTCC have shared a fruitful association with that famous production “The Cafeteria of the Mind” and the one-poem spoof “A Midsummer Night’s Scream”.

Location and Staffing

Located in leafy Stolen Moments Way, the DFTCC is housed within a six-hectare complex boasting the most modern skyscrapers and a quaint streetcar service for travel between buildings. A feat of architectural engineering, the compound fits nicely on the refrigerator door.

The DFTCC employs a staff of over 7000 internationally, with a core staff of 600 located at the main compound. Although we are a large company, we like to maintain a family feel. To that end, our core staff all work from “The Cottage”, a two-room thatched construction with whitewashed walls and colourful rugs.

Contacting Us

For any interested in contacting the DFT the following addresses are provided.

Petronella F. Wilson (Ms.)
Personnel and Catering Manager
The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
The Cottage
15430 Stolen Moments Way
Refrigerator Door NSW 2167

Dennis Wallingfeather (Ms.)
The Managing Director
Bemused Production Absurdities
Level 642 Building F,
D Wing Piffle C. Wilson Annexe
The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Building
15432 Stolen Moments Way
Refrigerator Door NSW 2167

Seasonal Downturns - at least there's storage

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Doldrums Kebabs
A collection of miscellaneous bruised
vegetables fresh from long-term
winter storage bins, served on a bed of
slow-cooked two-year-old rice with a
fluff of wool scraped off the kitchen boy’s gloves.

Main
Knuckle Sandwich
The remaining cuts of meat from the
back of the freezer served on stale
focaccia with a soggy salad of squashed
lettuce and pulverised but intact tomatoes.

Fried Green Potatoes
Served with a surprise dusting of
uncooked rice and miniscule amounts of salt
from the leftovers in our salt shakers.

Dessert
Tawdry Desperado Mousse
Individual servings of chocolate mouse
decanted from their (stolen) KFC containers,
tantalisingly arrayed in hastily-spooned chunks
on a paper plate.

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Pty. Ltd.
“Where your food is really ours”.

Patrons are advised that due to the seasonal variations in supply our cupboard is largely bare. We apologise for any inconvenience caused and request patience until Spring has sprung; by which time we may be able to provide a greater variety of foodstuffs from our supplier’s theft team(s). We wish all of our patrons well at this, the seasonal downturn at the end of winter, and would like to thank all who attended the production “The Cafeteria of the Mind”. We also greatly appreciate the (two) theatregoers who did not avail themselves of our diversion service in order to avoid paying for their tickets.

New Graduates

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Scholarship Soup
University syllabi slow cooked
in a delightful stock
made on premises from
NH&MRC grant requests.

Main
Gallbladder fettucine
(Inspired by G.S.)
Intact gallbladder retrieved from the
local sink U-bend with a
wet-and-dry vacuum,
accompanied by a dusting of navel lint
and our tantalising bile-o-naise fettucine.

Dipstick Wedges
Diagnostic pads removed from
dipstick tests, oven crisped and served
with our own sweet chilli sauce
and sour hand cream.

Vegetation Burritos
Weeds pulled from between pavers
on hospital grounds,
wrapped in flattened exam papers
and served in a sauce of refried time sheets.

Dessert
Fibonacci’s Mousse
A recursive sequence of mousse layers,
in ever-increasing tiers,
served with a drizzling of
actuarial tables ground to a
delightfully subtle paste.

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Pty. Ltd. “Where your food is really ours”.

Patrons are advised that the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Diversion Service is back in operation and are delighted to welcome our new staff on the team. They arrive fresh from university where they have been studying the ancient art of diversionary tactics, including operatic obfuscation and amazing millinery. We hope our patrons will join us in wishing them well.

Haematological Fare

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Burkitt’s Linguine
An agreeable pasta dish with
a Giemsa and Wright’s stain sauce.

Main
Veal a la citrate
Veal escallops decorated with a
paradoxical sauce of citrate anticoagulant
and expired fresh frozen plasma.

White Vegetable Differential
An array of tie-dyed potatoes,
cauliflower and parsnips, air dried
and heat-fixed to a bed of
methanol-enriched paper towel.

Dessert
Wee-rosette
Vanilla blancmange ringed with
Diff-Quick-red rose petals and a
drizzling of fluorescent labels,
served under an ultraviolet light source.


The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Pty. Ltd. “Where your food is really ours”.

Patrons are advised that the aroma arising from the refrigerator unit is probably their lunch from three months ago that they left for a rainy day and promptly forgot about. We at the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company will always take advantage of any food that falls into our hands (so to speak), but even we draw the line at items that are only nominally still foodstuffs, and can walk out of storage under their own power.

Occupational Health and Safety

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Biohazard Soup
Gently roasted lab gowns
pureed with a drizzling of untested
safety shower water.

Main
Chlorhexidine Nachos
Three-day-old corn chips remaindered from local
morning teas, garnished with pureed
refried beans, microshield wash and
our own Siezer salad dressing.

Immunity Salad
Have a flu shot in this tantalising
array of edible vaccine kits, sautéed and
served with a selection of pre-loved syringes
(needles extra).

Plastic chips
For the kiddies or the young at heart, smashed
safety glasses deep-fried and dusted with
our own concoction of seasonings taken from
expired media (MacConkey’s powder a favourite).

Dessert
PPE
A delightful parfait made on site
from recycled assay kits and
ground latex gloves (Nitrile
parfait available on request).

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Pty. Ltd.
“Where your food is really ours”.

Patrons are advised that the Occupational Health and Safety Act and its associated regulation prohibit the ingestion of the items on the above menu and, by inference, the theft of other patrons’ food. Instead perhaps, patrons could consider our alternative menu offered for this week only:

Odiferous Goulash
A delightful stew of ham off the bone and
impounded cabbage, with six cloves of garlic
guaranteed in each bowl, and a chaser of
Rifampicin Rum (a house speciality).

Patrons are further advised that their social lives will be somewhat impacted due to their resultant aroma from the goulash, but that the rifampicin should ward off any secondary infections short of the Ebola virus and/or any of its viral friends. Patrons are also advised that drinking on duty may result in a counselling session with our chef (who bathes nightly in the wonderous goulash to contribute to its stock).

We've been reviewed!

Desperate Food Thieves: turning deplorable theft into dining adventure.
Writers: The Dining Team

What began as a lamentable state of affairs in a tea room seems to be turning heads on the restaurant scene. It all began some years ago when staff at an unnamed laboratory discovered that they had a thief in the midst, with the food items continually being stolen from the tea room fridge. The situation came to a head some weeks ago when a sandwich was stolen. From there, the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company was born.

The Desperate Food Thieves started small, with a hand-written menu of dishes garnished with what can only be described as a pathologist’s dream of sauces (we particularly liked the Crème Cockroachee – a witty dish with a devilish crunch), and has since moved on to more ambitious forays into the world of fine dining.

On offer at the moment are “Lost oysters” as an entrée – a cheeky serving of Sydney rock oysters, unusually char-grilled, which should attract those squeamish about eating raw, twitching animals. The accompanying five-finger discount jus has a delightful scent of sweaty fingers, and is an interesting exploration of someone else’s hands. The antipasto plate (“Leaving los tapas”) is well thought out, although we found it too trying at the end of a hard day. The well-aged sandwiches were just a little too mature, with the ham and cheese being somewhat rubbery for the discerning palate.

The dishes offered as mains were certainly unusual. The Siezer salad was arresting with its dressing of pureed stolen hubcaps, and served with the Lobster Thievedore, it was surprisingly divine with the complementary flavours. The Runaway Rosemary Steak was something of a disappointment, as the purloined steak of the day turned out to be Spam. The mixed vegetation was an interesting foray into the suburban wilds – found on our plate were such things as rose leaves, camellia twigs and begonia stalks.

Desserts are of a standard that will no doubt hold the DFT in good stead in the years to come. Our favourite was the Stolen Moments Mousse, made from chocolate bars stolen from charity boxes. The mousse is extremely rich and varied, depending as it does on the nature of the chocolate bars stolen, and with a charming surprise in each one – usually a wrapper remnant, although occasionally patrons are fortunate enough to receive part of the envelopes for collecting the money.

Although the company calls itself a catering firm, a room is provided and is a charming area. The ambience is standard workplace tea room – mostly deserted but with overflowing garbage bins and bits of rubbish on the floor. There is often an amusing collection of dirty cutlery or coffee cups adorning the sinks, along with rings on the bench tops where the full (and spilt) coffee cups have rested. The furnishings are a collection of tables and chairs that would not look out of place at a yard sale. The wittiest feature of the room is the decrepit recliner chair in one corner, festooned with lab coats and foam poking out from the stuffing. The chair adds an aura of history to the room – the remaining upholstery appears as if it may be old enough to vote and buy its own drinks.

Put all of this together, and you have an interesting eatery. We have yet to mention the Diversion Service, for those patrons wishing to “abscond with other patrons’ meals or flee without paying”. The service has to be experienced to be believed – but we do recommend waiting for “Musical Chairs Hour” where the diversion service team take requests and sing.

All in all, the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company provides a wonderful dining experience for its patrons with its imaginative menus and superb décor.


Our rating: AAA+

Retirement...not really.

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Leaving los tapas
A retiring antipasto plate of vacationing tapenade,
relaxing pork bites, tanned (not toasted) pita and
well-rested olives served with a selection of
well-aged stolen sandwiches.

Main
Runaway Rosemary Steak
A delightful trip to the herb garden –
purloined steak of the day served in a
delightful impudence of herbs and other mixed vegetation
from the front yards of scenic Kogarah.

Start Again Salad
A tantalising collection of matured vegetables,
obtained deviously at midnight from the local market garden
and arrayed in a fresh setting of
fruiting capital investments.

Dessert
Superannuation Surprise
Crème Caramel made from the remains
of used CSR sugar packets and
stolen milk from tea rooms,
each with a First State Super certificate
sodden in each one.

Freedom Fruit Bagatelle
A mere trifle made from the relics
of fruits from morning teas,
liberated in a redundancy-packaged
sponge and custard base.


The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Pty. Ltd.
“Where your food is really ours”.

All items are served in easily concealed containers for easy transport should patrons wish to flee without paying. Any patron retiring or changing professions may purchase their meal half price on presentation of patrons’ termination notice, evidence of employment in a separate field or well-tanned midriff. Patrons wishing to use our diversion service are advised that it is out of operation until further notice as our chief diverter and opera specialist has retired to siesta permanently in Majorca. The remainder of our diversion team have opted not to renew their contracts as they have discovered a wonderful catering firm where food theft is not permitted. We at the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company hope that our patrons join us in wishing them well.

Still it continues...

Tonight’s menu:

Entrée
Lost oysters
Char grilled on a stolen car engine with a
five finger discount jus.

Main
Lobster Thievedore
Shoplifted lobster pieces in a delicate
Bearnaise sauce.

Siezer Salad
A light salad of confiscated lettuce, impounded parmesan cheese
and sequestered bacon pieces in a subtle dressing of
pureed stolen hubcaps.

Dessert
Forbidden fruit brulee
A caramelised vanilla brulee, detailed with the
least squashed fruits fallen from the back of a truck.

Stolen Moments Mousse
A tantalising chocolate mousse made from the remains
of chocolate bars stolen from charity boxes in tea rooms.

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company Pty. Ltd.
“Where your food is really ours”.

All items served in easily concealed containers for easy transport should patrons wish to flee without paying. Patrons wishing to abscond with other patrons’ meals may wish to use our diversion service in order to distract attention from their theft. We at the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company do realise that our dining room will eventually be populated by nothing but thieves, but we do believe that “the customer is always right”, even when he or she is so morally bereft as to steal another’s food.

Opening Night

Tonight's menu:

Entrée

Fricaseed Shoe Leather Escallops
with a side of sour hand cream and
drizzled with only the finest intestinal broth cultures.

Main

Sixteen Stolen Chicken Breasts
served with industrial carpet salad.

Vegetarian Tissue Culture
containing only the finest viruses
this side of your respiratory tract.

Dessert

Mouse au Chocolat
using rodents caught on site.

Crème Cockroachee
a crunchy vanilla delight.

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
“Where your food is really ours”.