We've been reviewed!

Desperate Food Thieves: turning deplorable theft into dining adventure.
Writers: The Dining Team

What began as a lamentable state of affairs in a tea room seems to be turning heads on the restaurant scene. It all began some years ago when staff at an unnamed laboratory discovered that they had a thief in the midst, with the food items continually being stolen from the tea room fridge. The situation came to a head some weeks ago when a sandwich was stolen. From there, the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company was born.

The Desperate Food Thieves started small, with a hand-written menu of dishes garnished with what can only be described as a pathologist’s dream of sauces (we particularly liked the Crème Cockroachee – a witty dish with a devilish crunch), and has since moved on to more ambitious forays into the world of fine dining.

On offer at the moment are “Lost oysters” as an entrée – a cheeky serving of Sydney rock oysters, unusually char-grilled, which should attract those squeamish about eating raw, twitching animals. The accompanying five-finger discount jus has a delightful scent of sweaty fingers, and is an interesting exploration of someone else’s hands. The antipasto plate (“Leaving los tapas”) is well thought out, although we found it too trying at the end of a hard day. The well-aged sandwiches were just a little too mature, with the ham and cheese being somewhat rubbery for the discerning palate.

The dishes offered as mains were certainly unusual. The Siezer salad was arresting with its dressing of pureed stolen hubcaps, and served with the Lobster Thievedore, it was surprisingly divine with the complementary flavours. The Runaway Rosemary Steak was something of a disappointment, as the purloined steak of the day turned out to be Spam. The mixed vegetation was an interesting foray into the suburban wilds – found on our plate were such things as rose leaves, camellia twigs and begonia stalks.

Desserts are of a standard that will no doubt hold the DFT in good stead in the years to come. Our favourite was the Stolen Moments Mousse, made from chocolate bars stolen from charity boxes. The mousse is extremely rich and varied, depending as it does on the nature of the chocolate bars stolen, and with a charming surprise in each one – usually a wrapper remnant, although occasionally patrons are fortunate enough to receive part of the envelopes for collecting the money.

Although the company calls itself a catering firm, a room is provided and is a charming area. The ambience is standard workplace tea room – mostly deserted but with overflowing garbage bins and bits of rubbish on the floor. There is often an amusing collection of dirty cutlery or coffee cups adorning the sinks, along with rings on the bench tops where the full (and spilt) coffee cups have rested. The furnishings are a collection of tables and chairs that would not look out of place at a yard sale. The wittiest feature of the room is the decrepit recliner chair in one corner, festooned with lab coats and foam poking out from the stuffing. The chair adds an aura of history to the room – the remaining upholstery appears as if it may be old enough to vote and buy its own drinks.

Put all of this together, and you have an interesting eatery. We have yet to mention the Diversion Service, for those patrons wishing to “abscond with other patrons’ meals or flee without paying”. The service has to be experienced to be believed – but we do recommend waiting for “Musical Chairs Hour” where the diversion service team take requests and sing.

All in all, the Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company provides a wonderful dining experience for its patrons with its imaginative menus and superb décor.


Our rating: AAA+