Memo to staff

The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company
"Where your food is really ours"

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Catering, Wait and Administrative Staff, The Desperate Food Thieves Catering Company

CC: Ms. Dennis Wallingfeather, Managing Director, Bemused Production Absurdities

FROM: Ms. Petronella F. Wilson, Personnel and Catering Manager DFTCC

Just a reminder to all staff that eggs are for cooking purposes only. “Cooking purposes” do not include tossing said ova at passers-by or placing them in others’ shoes.

We recommend the use of “Crème Cockroachee” (minus the decorative ramekins and thorns, but retaining the cockroach legs) in food fight situations. We simply remind all staff that the remnants of food fights must be cleaned up at the end of hostilities. This does include the removal of all cockroach legs from the area in question. Failure to complete maintenance of the affected areas will result in the dipping of the recalcitrant staff member in the leavings of “Odiferous Goulash” at the end of each shift.

We further remind all staff of non-Anglo-Saxon lineage that the phrase “put an egg in your shoe and beat it” is an example of colloquialism and so not to be taken literally.

If you would like someone to leave your immediate vicinity, then say so directly. The phrases “Please leave”, “Go away”, “Move out of the room”, “Make like a tree and leave” and the above example may be tendered. Those showing remarkable degrees of creativity not involving assault on other staff members’ persons or belongings may be considered for promotion into the Menu Creation arm. Any phrases such as “I hate your guts”, “You should be sacked”, “You really are a waste of space” are not examples of creativity or humour and thus should be curtailed.

This censure of expression includes any statement using four letter words, particularly the names of genitalia or the act of using said genitalia. Verbal violence of this type will not be considered in the spirit of the company’s charter and we will be forced to act accordingly. There are several positions still open in the Food Inspector’s arm of the DFTCC, mostly as clogged hair follicles, thus intractable staff members may look forward to an eternity of cleaning out grease traps.